I was so unsettled. I was crying everyday. Then, days became weeks. Weeks became months. I wasn't happy. Quite frankly, I had no idea why.
I was so quick to get angry. I just wanted to lay in bed. I was depressed.
I felt like a failure.
I felt defeated. I was pushing away everyone close to me.
I saw what I was doing. I knew I wasn't myself.
But, no matter how hard I tried to bring my sunshiny personality out, it wouldn't work.
I would pray and cry out to God, but it felt like I was talking to the wall.
Nothing felt safe. Not work, not home. I was terrified. All the time.
I constantly started second guessing everything.
I was so paranoid about bad things happening.
It was getting out of hand. I cried about everything.
Not kidding, everything.
Looking back on those months, I didn't even smile. If I did, it was completely forced.
So, I ran. Anywhere and everywhere. I thought distance and different spaces would somehow bring my old self back.
Sounds crazy right? I was desperate. I just wanted to feel safe again. I was tired of being so overwhelmed over the smallest things.
I was searching for joy.
Hope.
Peace.
I missed them.
This went on for about 6 months.
I had moments of joy and peace. But, I never felt that real freedom.
Every time I thought God was opening a door, He would slam it back in my face.
I was confused and hurt.
"Why me God? Is there a lesson here? I'm trying my hardest."
I gave up. I came to accept the fact that this was the new normal. This is how it's going to be. Deal with it.
Then, one day, I woke up. It was just a day. But, I wasn't paranoid. I was confident. I wasn't afraid. I was safe.
I realized something.
It wasn't a overnight thing. God had slowly been taking things away in my life, things that I thought I needed.
But, turns out they were hurting me.
He starting giving me things I didn't want.
He was molding a greater plan, while I cried asking why.
Now, I see Him doing so many new and wonderful things in my life.
Blessings that never would have happened it if wasn't for those 6 months.
So, if you are, where I was, believe me when I say.
The joy comes. The storm ends. His way is so much better than ours.
The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.
- Zephaniah 3:17